SO ONCE UPON A TIME, HERU-SA-ASET ((HENCEFORTH KNOWN AS HERU, CAUSE SCREW TYPING ALL THAT OUT)) WAS ALL GROWN UP. HIS DADDY HAD DIED, EITHER KILLED BY HIS UNCLE OR JUST DEAD AND HIS UNCLE WAS BLAMED FOR IT. OH YEAH, HIS UNCLE’S NAME IS SET. SO HERU GREW UP AND WAS LIKE, “I’MMA TAKE MY DAD’S THRONE. BITCHES LOVE THRONES”
BUT SET WAS LIKE, “YOU’RE JUST A LITTLE KID, FUCK THAT IMMA TAKE THE THRONE FOR MYSELF”
AND SO THEY FOUGHT. AND THEY ARGUED A LOT ABOUT WHO WOULD RULE. IT WAS THE SAME ARGUMENT EVERY TIME. “HE’S TOO YOUNG!” “THE LAWS OF AMUN PRETTY CLEARLY STATE THAT THE THRONE SHOULD GO TO ME, THOUGH, SO LIKE… JUST GIMME THE DAMNED THRONE!”
AND RA, HIGH KING OF EVERYONE WAS LIKE, “WELL I THINK IT SHOULD GO TO SET!”
BUT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE, “NAH, DOG, GIVE IT TO HERU!”
SO THE TWO FOUGHT AND ARGUED SOME MORE. THEY SENT A LETTER TO NIT, WHO IS THE PRIMORDIAL WATERS. I’M NOT TOO SURE HOW LETTERS WORK WITH WATERS, BUT IT HAPPENED, SO JUST DEAL, KAY. AND THEY ASKED, “NIT, WHO THE HELL SHOULD RULE?” AND NIT WAS LIKE, “DUDE HERU SHOULD RULE. GIVE SET SOME BABES TO HELP HIM GET OVER THE BUTT HURT”
AND RA GOT PISSED CAUSE IT WASN’T THE ANSWER HE WANTED, SO HE TOLD HERU HIS BREATH STANK. BUT THE REST OF THE TRIBUNAL WAS LIKE, DUDE THAT WAS A FUCKED UP THING TO SAY. AND SO THEY SHOUTED ANOTHER INSULT.
RA GOT ALL SAD AND WENT AND LAID DOWN IN HIS TENT AND REFUSED TO COME OUT. CAUSE YOU DON’T GO INSULTING THE KING AND HURTING HIS FEELINGS. THAT’S NOT COOL DON’T DO IT.
FINALLY HIS DAUGHTER HET-HERT WENT INTO HIS TENT AND SHOWED OFF HER GENITALS, WHICH MADE RA LAUGH AND “FILLED HIM WITH JOY.” WHICH IS WEIRD BUT THEY’RE GODS, SO IT’S OKAY I GUESS. AND SO THEY WENT BACK OUT TO THE TRIBUNAL. AND JUST FUCKING ARGUED SOME MORE.
FINALLY ASET GOT INVOLVED AND WAS LIKE, “MAKE MY SON KING, DAMN IT!”
AND SET WAS LIKE, FUCK THAT SHIT MAKE HER GO AWAY!
SO THEY BANNED HER FROM JOINING THEIR SECRET CLUB AND WENT ONTO AN ISLAND IN A RIVER THING SO SHE WOULDN’T SNEAK OVER.
BUT ASET IS CLEVER. SHE DISGUISED HERSELF!
SO SHE GOES AND TURNS HERSELF INTO THIS OLD WOMAN
AND BRIBES THE FERRYMAN TO LET HER CROSS.
THEN SHE TURNS HERSELF INTO THIS ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN AND GOES AND STARTS CRYING NEAR A BIG FUCKING TREE.
AND SET COMES ALONG AND IS LIKE
PRETTY LADY IS CRYING? I SHOULD GO HELP HER AND MAYBE I’LL GET LAID TONIGHT
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
THAT BIT WASN’T REALLY IN THE MYTH
BUT IT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT
AND SO ASET IS ALL LIKE, “I WAS MARRIED TO THIS CATTLE OWNER GUY WHO I HAD A SON WITH. AND MY HUSBAND DIED, SO MY SON TOOK OVER HIS JOB. BUT THEN SOME ASSHOLE WE DON’T EVEN KNOW CAME ALONG AND BASICALLY TOLD MY SON TO GO FUCK HIMSELF BECAUSE THE CATTLE BELONGED TO HIM NOW”
SOUND PRETTY FAMILIAR?
AND SET WAS LIKE, “THAT IS PRETTY FUCKED UP. THE CATTLE SHOULD GO TO YOUR SON BECAUSE THAT IS THE LAW.”
ASET TURNED HERSELF INTO A KITE (WHICH IS A TYPE OF HAWK) AND FLEW UP INTO A TREE AND SCREAMED “WHAT NOW, HUH? WHAT NOW? YOU’VE CONDEMNED YOURSELF WITH YOUR OWN WORDS! CAW, CAW MUTHA FUCKA!”
AND SO SET WENT AND CRIED TO RA ABOUT IT, TELLING HIM WHAT WENT DOWN AND RA WAS LIKE, “TOO BAD SON, SHOULDA KEPT YO MOUTH SHUT”
SO SET GOT PISSED OF AND WALKED UP TO HERU ALL, “YO LETS TURN OURSELVES INTO HIPPOS, SWIM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE NILE, AND STAY THERE FOR 3 MONTHS”
AND HERU WAS LIKE, SURE.
BUT ASET WAS ALL, “OH NOES YOU’LL KILL YOURSELF!”
BUT NOBODY LISTENED TO HER, SO THEY DID IT ANYWAYS. AND ASET FASHIONED THIS MAGICAL HARPOON AND TRIED TO THROW IT AT SET BUT MISSED. SHE HIT HER OWN SON.
HERU WAS LIKE, “WHAT THE HELL MOM? DAFUQ WAS THAT FOR?” SO SHE PULLED IT OUT AND TOOK AIM AT SET WHO WAS LIKE, “DAFUQ SIS, WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING THAT FOR?”
SO ASET GAVE UP. BUT HERU GOT SO MAD AT HER FOR WHAT SHE DID THAT HE CHOPPED HER HEAD OFF.
HE CHOPPED HIS OWN MOTHER’S HEAD OFF.
ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT CAN TREAT HER LIKE THAT AND GET AWAY WITH IT.
ANYWAYS SOME SHIT HAPPENS, SET TAKES OUT HERU’S EYE, HET-HERT FIXES IT WITH GAZELLES MILK, AND SO THE TWO WENT BACK TO ARGUING. AGAIN
JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK, WILL THEY EVER STOP?
SO THEN RA IS LIKE, “JUST STOP ARGUING, WILL YA?”
AND SET IS ALL, “OKAY FINE, HERU COME TO MY PLACE TONIGHT AND WE’LL EAT SOME FOOD AND DRINK.“
BUT THAT NIGHT AFTER THEY’D EATEN AND HERU WAS LAYING IN HIS BED, SET CAME TO HIM. AND HE SLID HIS MANHOOD BETWEEN HERU’S THIGHS AND HAD HIS MANLY WAY WITH HIM. BUT HERU DIDN’T LET SET COME BETWEEN HIS THIGHS. WITHOUT SET’S KNOWLEDGE HE WENT AND PUT HIS HAND THERE TO CATCH THE SEMEN.
SO THE NEXT DAY HERU GOES UP TO ASET AND IS LIKE, “LOOK, MA!”
AND, NATURALLY, ASET’S FIRST REACTION IS TO CHOP OFF HIS HANDS AND THROW THEM IN A MARSH. SHE THEN GIVES HIM NEW HANDS.
BUT IT GET’S WEIRDER.
SHE PUTS SOME OINTMENT ON HERU’S PENIS AND CATCHES HIS SEMEN IN A JAR. THEY THEN GO AND SPRINKLE IT ALL OVER SET’S LETTUCE.
SERIOUSLY, HIS LETTUCE.
SO SET EATS THE LETTUCE CAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE HE KNEW THERE WAS JIZZ ALL OVER IT.
AND LATER THEY GO TO THE TRIBUNAL AND SET IS ALL SMUG LIKE, “I DID A MANS DEED TO HIM… I BUTT FUCKED HIM.”
AND HERU WAS LIKE, “ORLY?”
SO RA IS LIKE, “LET US CALL FORTH THE SEMEN AND SEE FROM WHERE IT COMES!”
SO DJEHUTY WALKS UP TO HERU, PLACES A HAND ON HIM AND SAYS, “COME OUT, YOU SEMEN OF SET.”
AND HERE IT COMES SPEEDING ALONG FROM THE MARSHES.
SO THEN HE GOES TO SET AND SAYS, “COME OUT, YOU SEMEN OF HERU-SA-ASET”
AND THE SEMEN SAYS “FROM WHERE SHALL I COME?”
“COME OUT HIS EAR”
“I, WHO AM DIVINE SEED, SHOULD ISSUE FORTH FROM HIS EAR?”
“COME OUT THE TOP OF HEAD, THEN”
AND THE SEMEN BURST FORTH AS A GOLDEN SOLAR DISC ATOP SET’S HEAD. SET MADE TO GRAB IT BUT DJEHUTY GOT IT FIRST AND TOOK IT FOR HIMSELF. CAUSE SEMEN CROWNS ARE THE BEST.
SO THEN THEY STARTED ARGUING AGAIN AND HAD SOME MORE CONTESTS WHERE THEY BOTH CHEATED AND SHIT. FINALLY RA WAS LIKE, “LETS SEND A MESSAGE TO THE DEAD WESIR!”
AND SO THEY SENT HIM A LETTER SAYING, “HEY WESIR, WE’VE BEEN FIGHTING FOR 80 YEARS WHO SHOULD SIT UPON YOUR THRONE. SHOULD IT BE YOUR SON OR YOUR BROTHER?”
AND WESIR WROTE BACK, “80 YEARS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS! WHY THE HELL ISN’T MY SON ON THE THRONE? IT’S THE LAW AND YOU KNOW IT”
SO RA CONCEDED AND HERU WAS MADE KING WHILE SET WAS TAKEN ABOARD RA’S SUN BARGE TO FIGHT THE AP-P EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY.
THE END.
-Mal
@demonwitchcraft plz notice this. XD plz
WORDS WITH MAL: THE CONTENDINGS OF SET AND HERU-SA-ASET
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